An Open Letter to the Sancti-mommy at the PTA

I slide into the drivers side of my truck and slam the door behind me, sending an echo into the parking lot of the school.

Parent council meeting, what a joke. I punch the steering wheel and immediately regret it, the stinging hot burn from my hand also is the final tipping point and the well of tears I had been fighting since leaving the school finally came washing over me. The release of emotions - anger, frustration, embarrassment, all come crashing in like a tidal wave, filling the cab of my truck and replacing all the oxygen. Gasping for breath between sobs I replay in my mind the judging looks from the other parents.

The mom's who weren't late to the meeting on the first place, who aren't the last to sign up for the volunteer positions and the ones who bake the cookies instead of buying them at the last minute. I feel their eyes on me, sometimes with what I assume is pity, sometimes annoyance, almost always judgement.

Yes, I am a single mom. I'm doing the best I can, and while I am proud of doing it all by myself, it would be awfully nice to have a partner in this parenting shitshow. Some one who I could split those mandatory  volunteer hours with and have a beer with after the kid is in bed for the night and just laugh with, rather than the nights I spend figuring out how to rub 3 quarters into a dollar to make sure that all the bills are paid and when we hit the lightswitch something happens.  

And while I can't say it to your face, I can write it all out what I wish I could say to you and your sanctimonious eye rolls and freshly baked goods; an open letter to the judgemental mom:

"I never in a million years thought I would be a single mom. Yet here I am at 28 with an amazing 5-1/2 year old daughter and single since she was 2 years old.

To think I've actually survived so far is freaking amazing. Behind my brave front, i have a deep fear of being alone and failure. This fear has lead me to make less than ideal decisions with the best of intentions, and those decisions solidified the idea that nothing goes as you plan for it to.

I won't lie, I envy that double parent home I see my daughters friends have, where there's a team to make every decision if you needed - from what to make for supper to larger ones such as moving across the province. Instead of being able to consult with a partner I pray that I make the right choice and hope that she understands when things don't work out as I planned.

Yes, I'm tired, and often late for parent meetings and my child spends a lot of time at a babysitters, but that is because I  do it all, from a full time student, to having a full time job involving shift work, all of the parenting, and at the moment trying to renovate a house to ensure we have a safe and happy home. I pay the bills alone, someties its slowly through the entire month to make the cash last, and all that other expenses that life brings, from birthday parties, hockey equiptment; and the damn truck that loves to break downs when I really need it to just be reliable.
They say to be a single parent isn't for the weak and 'aint that the damn truth. I can't count how many times I've had a full on breakdown and had a rage induced screaming fit into a pillow because I can't get her dad to co-parent with me or contribute financially to her upbringing. Or how many tears I've shed because all my best laid intentions have gone to shit again and I don't know what to do next. It's probably because of the lack of sleep. Between working nights and school during the day and being mom I average 4 hours a night.

As I look around at the other moms in the board meeting, the ones who quickly glace away when our eyes meet I fund myself in a daydream of what I would do if I had the support they did, and the spare time they did. What it would be like to have a partner who could care for our child and allow me to enjoy something I wanted to do, such as go out for dinner with friends. I daydream about all the time they have to spend with their children,  because their work isn't calling for a shift of overtime that is desperately needed to pay for the last truck part that broke

I envy every double parent home. I know every person,  single or not goes through the same trials and obstacles that life likes to throw at everyone but I envy the fact that they have a partner to weather the shitstorm that raising tiny humans often is. It's not glamorous, it's often frustrating and makes you want to pull your hair out - but to have someone to discuss all decisions with would be amazing. From the small - what to have for dinner, to the life changing such as a cross province move. While I am envious sometimes I'm also grateful that I have such a wonderful daughter to be my whole world.  I get twice the hugs, twice the kisses and twice the love. I'm raising my daughter to be a strong woman,  who knows that even of you fail at something as long as you get back up and dust yourself off its alright. And that sometimes you will hit rock bottom, and you'll need to have dignity and ask for help. She has more compassion, love and perserverence than some adults I know, and she stands up for herself and what she knows is right. I love her more than anything in the world and she makes me so proud to be her mom.

So yes, even though you think I may need your pity,  I guarantee I don't. I really dont need you to look down on me, with a sanctimonious attitude way up there on your high horse. What I could use is some support and empathy towards a situation you don't understand.  I won't judge you, and you won't judge me - does that sound fair? "

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