I'm Jealous of my Husband

I feel like I need to preface this with one idea. I love being a mom. And I am so grateful that I have been able to be a stay at home and raise our daughter.

My husband and I talked about how we wanted to parent our children, and what roles we would take on to ensure that our family functioned the way we envisioned. We came up with this plan together, and we are each holding up our ends of the bargain. Some days it feels like we are each holding so much that we want to crumble, but I also know that such is life, and that even if we didn’t have a tiny human - our beautiful combination of his smirk and my eyes - that we would feel the burdens that life always throws at people . Bills that never stop, household items that break and need fixing, taxes - and the feeling that I’ll never really be “adult enough” to do those taxes on my own, and the feeling of being pulled in a million different directions at once; all of them demanding my seemingly immediate and urgent undivided attention.

But all of those stresses are magnified with a screeching toddler who can give you an instant migraine with one high pitched shrill that no advil can relieve you from.

The idea, that we need to make decisions for her, about her life and how she will be brought up in this crazy world quite often keeps me up at night. Am I doing enough? Should I be focusing more on teaching her the alphabet, and singing silly songs and making sure she knows her colors? Don’t even get me started on potty training, or the fact that she is almost two and we still need to give her a bottle of warm water for her to fall asleep.

On top of all of these decisions and anxieties about being not even a perfect mom, because I know that is unattainable no matter how much I’m convinced it’s do-able thanks to social media, and how easy that other parents are making things seem; but even being a good enough mom, the mom she deserves, I can never seem to stay on top of laundry and dishes and mopping the floor. I am home with her, I should be able to find the time sometime within the multiple hours I am awake, and yet I never seem to manage it. Dishes and laundry are never ending and I actually lose sleep over it. Instead of sleeping - as I should have been long ago - I cleaned my kitchen, and did enough dishes to load my dishwasher twice. I often wonder how myself and a toddler can make so many dishes and shake my head at myself, knowing I’ve created my own dish demise. 

I’m jealous of my husband. I’m jealous that the idea of dishes in the sink and laundry on the floor doesn’t keep him up at night. That he doesn’t feel the pressures to keep a clean house that I do. And he’s never the one to put pressure on me, I look at other moms and their clean homes in their adorable instagram photos and think “if she can do it, why am I having such a difficult time”. These thoughts aren’t malicious in intent, but they make me second guess how I’m doing in general. 

I’m jealous of my husband because he doesn’t feel guilty spending his money on things that he wants to buy, whereas (even though I don’t “need” to ask permission or let him know ) I feel the need to ask to use the debit card for gas and groceries. I’m not frivolous with money either, and he has often made it clear that it’s not his money - it’s ours. But I still feel the guilt spending it, because my name wasn’t on the pay stub. I wasn’t the one who spent a 16 hour day running heavy equipment or managing a crew of workers. 

I’m jealous of my husband because I don’t want to be so excited for alone time away from my child. I want to be excited to spend time with her and have both our faces light up when we see each other the way they light up when he comes home from work. And while I do have support in place where I can have her spend the day at Grandma and Grandpa’s house - I despise the guilt that washes over me as I drive away, so excited to spend time by myself.

I’m jealous of my husband because he’s asleep right now, and I am wide awake, riddled with anxiety about being a better wife and mother.  I would never wish that he have the sleepless nights I do wondering about what I can be doing better and trying to see what other parents are doing and how I can incorporate their successes into my own life and parenting. 

He doesn’t compare himself to the dad down the block, wondering why his lawn is always pristine while ours should have a warning label on it. 

And if he does feel that way, I’m still jealous that he doesn’t feel the need to dwell on it - he is impeccable at letting things roll off his back and not bother him. 

I worry quite often that this will always be how I feel about my end of our bargain. He goes to work and earns our money and I will worry about the dishes and re-wash laundry 3 times because I’ve forgotten it in the wash - speaking of which, I've got to go switch over the laundry.