When Motherhood Doesn't Start Out According to Plan

     A whore with a white skirt and black thong dancing around a fire set in my backyard. A half duplex with paint peeling off the siding, parked at the base of a hill by the railroad tracks in the ghetto industrial area of south east Calgary.  Long bearded bikers with leather vests and oil stained denim walking in and out of my home as they pleased. A sketchy couple living in the basement spray painting every wall of the basement in colorful words of aggression towards my mother, who by the way had way too many boyfriends. Waking up with my sister, completely alone in a dark house realizing we were left at home by ourselves again. 

     These are memories that helped me come to the decision that when I grow up, I was going to be married, have a stable home, be successful in a chosen career and when I brought a child into the world that I would provide a life that I never got to experience. So I made a plan to be better than my upbringing. I went to school, sought out training to become a nail technician, and esthetician to which I am building a very successful career on those skills. I bought a house with a man I am so extremely in love with. We got engaged and celebrated a little too much so we ended up pregnant. Which was perfect! 

"We already have marriage in course in our relationship and I am going to be the best mom out there. I’m going to be so by 'the book'; I am so ready for a baby, this will  be a breeze! Staying home, taking care of the house, taking care of the dog and raising a child.  I'll be the perfect housewife and lover and mom. Easy." These are the things I told myself.  It was going to be easy.  

 That’s the life I envisioned - easy and perfect. However, here’s the thing about plans, they don’t always go according to how you plan for them to go.

     The MOMENT I delivered my daughter, Delylah via C-Section, Postpartum Depression took hold of my life. I welcomed her into the world with a glance and a couple words of disbelief. The whole experience was tragic to me. Rather than having an overwhelming amount of joy, I felt so much sorrow for myself. I was in so much pain, I was beyond overtired and wanted everyone including her to just leave me alone. This moment that every mom you know tells you about; this beautiful, beautiful moment, was so ugly. 

I couldn’t help but think how inconvenient it was for her to wake up and NEED me. What trouble it was that I had to use my body to feed her. I didn’t want to hold her or touch her unless I HAD to. At the same time I had such anxiety and fear of her dying, anytime she did sleep I checked the baby monitor 100 times throughout the day and night. Or would go into her room to make sure her belly was moving up and down and I could feel her breath build condensation on my finger under her nose. Having a whole human to take care of was the worst.  

     Don’t get me wrong, there were times I held her and I felt my eyes start to sting. There were a handful of times my eyeballs would pretend they were waterfalls due to witnessing such a beautiful and pure little soul. She was so perfect and provided my closest moments with God, sharing her innocence and looking into the meaning of life. My heart felt like it was beating to her breath, my whole body relaxed and a wave of fullness overcame me in these moments of cradling her. Like I was lying on a bed and someone was making it on me, blanketing us in comfort and warmth. We were one person. 

     My emotions were all over the place, I was filled with so much sadness and guilt but something in me wanted so badly to be happy.  

I realized I needed help. 

I first turned to my other half, who supported me like no one else. Never judging me and always trying to understand what I was going through, but never understanding fully. I turned also to my family who also had a listening ear and showed support in any way they could but it still wasn’t enough. So I sought out professional help which turned out to be exactly what I needed. Someone with no bias to guide me in finding my own way. It turns out, seeking out a mental health expert is nothing to be embarrassed of and is absolutely beneficial in self realization.  

So far, I have realized a great deal about myself and expanded my views on life itself.  

1. Drop expectations and just live in the moment. This way maybe, just maybe, we can avoid disappointments.  
2. Things don’t always go as planned and there is so much out of our control. Two simple sounding statements that don’t have any meaning until it happens to us.  
3. Understanding one another over judging one another. My personal experience with post partum depression gave me a look into what it’s like to have no control over my own emotions. I was so lucky to have an understanding family. 
4. Asking for help resembles strength, not weakness. Like seriously, just do it if you feel you need it and are ready and willing to change your own life.  

I could keep adding and adding to this list but I will leave with this. It’s not an easy thing to do, but it’s crucial to our survival that we take the time to fit happiness into our lives. Especially in times when we feel like we have lost all control, we can still control our decision to ask for help.  

-Ashleigh

If you are struggling or need someone to talk to, Alberta Health Link is there to help you.  Their phone number is 

1-877-303-2642 (They are available 24/7)